Week Ten Blog

Psychological effects of a death of one’s parent.

This is a fascinating chapter because it’s not something we talk about a lot. As I have gotten older it has become less of a “taboo” never the less I think it’s something that should be more acceptable to talk about. Growing up I lost great aunts, great grandparents, friends and acquaintances but it wasn’t until 2010 I had my first major loss of a friend I was close to. I think that this loss prepared me for the loss of my mother the following summer. My mother fought and lost an exhausting battle with cancer on June 8, 2011. She went in for a surgery to remove fluid from her heart and made it out of surgery but never regained consciousness. I was the only person at the hospital with her at the time. She made plans for what she wanted to do after surgery; she didn’t think she was going to die. As things started to decline I went to her house frantically to find a power of attorney but could not find one. She had a DNR and a DNI (do not intubate). Intubating her would only have prolonged the inevitable but she may have regained consciousness and been able to express her wishes. Unfortunately, I had to call my whole family and tell them that time was limited and to start heading our way as soon as possible. Everyone showed up and we all spent the day in the hospital room not really knowing what to do or say so we just sat around telling stories about her and talking to her. Everyone left the hospital that night except me and my uncle and she died peacefully early the next morning, in true form, like a lady, and not making a big fuss. The next few days were an out of body experience. I could not sleep, I could not eat, and I was in a state of shock. I ended my relationship and spent the next six months in isolation until I finally was able to come out of it. I was 25 when my mom passed away. Far too young. I think that the book touches on a lot of aspects of the reality of a loss parent. You lose your compass and have to accept the relationship for where it was. I guess the biggest things for me are my mom not being there for my future graduation, my wedding, my pregnancies, grandchildren, my first home, holidays, mother’s day etc. I think of all the things we will both be missing and it breaks my heart. Over time the grief has changed but it never truly goes away. My friend told me once that grief starts out as a boulder, like in those first few months. Then slowly over time we start to learn to live again. Slowly the boulder gets smaller and smaller in size until it is a pebble; we put the pebble in our pocket. We take it out time to time and remember what we have lost. The pebble never goes away, it is always with us. I was at a friend house this weekend and her grandmother had passed away, I spent some time with her mom talking about the loss because I too know what it’s like. I know that the book said it’s different for older adults with aging parents because they can accept the loss and are less anxious. It may be different but I don’t think it’s any easier. I could see it written all over her face; she was like me, another little girl who lost her mama. I don’t think it matters how old you are, it’s still a monumental loss when a parent dies.

If I had unlimited research funds I guess I would like to know about the effects of the grieving process on family members whose loved one do not wish to have a service, or wish to be cremated. Services are for the living we all know that but what happens to people who are not able to have that closure? Or don’t have a place to visit their loved one when they are cremated. I want to know if it prolongs the grief process at all. My mom did not want any services and I know that had an effect on my grieving process.